Holy and Unholy Shit

We all know the dangers of smoking crack whilst attempting brain surgery, but have you heard about the deadly new strains of ‘shit’ that are doing the rounds?

We all know the dangers of smoking crack whilst attempting brain surgery, but have you heard about the deadly new strains of ‘shit’ that are doing the rounds?

Ebola #5 has got every one talking.  Operating out of west Africa, a small team of specialists from the US developed and cross bred strains of shit from Sierra Leone, Liberia and Guinea to produce this frighteningly powerful new hybrid.  Local populations helped with the research and development and it is suspected that some of these people managed to smuggle a few seeds out into the wider world.  As a result Ebola #5 is now available in most countries but users beware -  Ebola is a strong and dangerous strain, it will make your eyes bleed and induce extreme lethargy.  Less experienced users may also suffer from ‘spin-till-you-puke’ sensations and heavy use can cause death.  This latest #5 strain is said to be so strong that the full effects can even be felt by way of passive inhalation.  Its a funny one though, smoke a joint and sometimes it’ll be fifty days before you feel the hit.

Auto Drone (ISIS Edition Deluxe) is another dangerous new strain of shit from the US.  The genetic history of Auto Drone is truly diverse – seeds sown by the CIA in Area 51 were given to the geniuses of Silicon Valley who worked in conjunction with Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and the Blackstone Group (among others) to develop this powerful new creeper.  You think its harmless enough, and then BAM!  It hits you like a bolt of lightening and knocks you right on your arse.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you about the blowback either.  If you happen across any Auto Drone (IED) you should treat it with extreme care.  Common side effects include anxiety, apathy and oppression.  Long term exposure will result in the user becoming easily influenced by corporate media with the inevitable end-state being the entire loss of independent thought.  It’s a great money spinner though, this variety has a rapid growth rate and plenty of fans so expect to see it a lot more of it in the future.

Bankster Skank Kamikaze #666 is a new strain of shit from that secretive cabal of international criminal families who dominate the global production of ganja tokens.  The original Bankster Skank was derived from northern European stock and then crossed briefly with an Italian Mafia variety in the 1920s and 30s.  Strong hints of the Mafia variety always lingered but the latest crew of rich kids to take control at the top have made extensive use of the latest technologies to produce a super intense hybrid in which the gangster flavour is strongly resurgent.  The new Bankster Skank Kamikaze #666 is a great party smoke with users revelling in their loss of inhibition, new found extravagance and bullish confidence, but it is highly addictive.  Abuse and heavy use will always be followed by a long and exhausting comedown, indeed, many addicts have let things get so bad that their dealers have had to kick their doors in and repossess all their goods to cover outstanding tick bills.  Sometimes the bastards will even send their politely spoken uniformed thugs around to kidnap you for a few years.

The grow houses and seed stock for Bankster Skank are closely guarded by a pack of vicious, salivating mutant spider mite.  It is widely believed that the offspring of these spider mite are responsible for the new Ebola #5 and Auto Drone (IED) strains.

So praise your Lord for Enlightenment Haze!  With shit like Ebola, Auto Drone and Bankster Kamikaze around the hard-to-find Enlightenment Haze is becoming increasingly sought after.  This legendary Haze was perfected over millenia and is rumoured to be the Holy Mother Plant of Knowledge and Wisdom.  If grown properly this amazing genetic creation will start flowering almost instantly and yield potent mind-expanding nuggets for the entirety of its long life.  Famous users include Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Mohammed, Bruce Lee, Bob Marley, God and the Chuckle Brothers.

If you haven’t heard it already, the story of Enlightenment Haze is one to behold.  Many aeons ago Asians, Africans, Americans, Europeans and Australasians worked together in peace and harmony.  We endured plagues, pestilence and famine, earthquakes, tsunamis and cataclysmic meteorite showers.  We even teamed up with the dinosaurs to fight off alien invasions for the whole reason of our existence on this planet was the protection and custodianship of Enlightenment Haze.  However, after its nuggets of knowledge and wisdom became popular with Bankster serfs in the 1960s the Bankster Skank Cartel launched a global eradication program and declared war against it.  The very existence of Enlightenment Haze threatened the tyrannical and dystopic dominance of the European and North American Banksters; they had long-laid plans to go global with their Kamikaze #666 - that would’ve been impossible if we, the multitude, could all get our hands on some Enlightenment Haze when we needed it.  They did a pretty good job as well, but fear not, their stranglehold over the construction of our collective reality is illusory!  Enlightenment Haze will never be eradicated.  The seeds of this miracle plant can be found hidden in the pages of thousands of books, in the words of the wise and in the millions of sparking synapses between your very own ears.

Nobody knows who is going to win this battle for supremacy – will Ebola #5 mania sweep the world? Can the Banksters really steal a total monopoly of the market?  Maybe Auto Drone will captivate us all, or is Enlightenment Haze an unstoppable force?  Answers on a postcard... 

Cartoon by Steven McKenzie:
steven_mckenzie@hotmail.com